First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
