this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
