watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
