i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
