So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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