i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
