My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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