I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
