...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
