It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
