I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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