Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
