You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
