I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
