I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
