I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
