when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
