did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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