I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
