I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
