So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
