I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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