So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
