it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
