So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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