New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
did i walk over a car last night?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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