I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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