I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
