we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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