"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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