So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
