Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
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Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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