I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
