im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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