I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
