Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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