There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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