3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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