the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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