I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
