I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
