In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
