2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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