I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
