Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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