Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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