My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
