You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
