my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
