me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
