I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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