i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
