She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
