just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
