just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
