Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
