What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
