Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No stitches, just platelets and will power
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
