We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
