if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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