Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
