cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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